Just needed a place to vent out all my emotions once again
just wanted to say IM SORRY, SO SUPER SORRY to everyone who's ever cared about me because all ive done is become a selfish person who doesnt care about other peoples feelings at all. All i can do is cause pain and suffering all i can do is make people unnecessary emo. I havent even left an impact on anyone that is worthy of my existence. It feels like its all coming to an end and all i've ever done is make people sad, worried, angry, upset, antagonized. What a pathetic friend I really am? And this isn't a self pity post this is seriously truly the truth. It just took me a while to push aside my prejudice against other people to make me see how wrong I really am. All this while all ive done is nothing but cause much anguish and pain to the one's whom i love the most. Though i've got nobody who really truly cares like her it doesnt matter. It doesnt give me the right to make other people emo and make other people sad just because im unable to contain my own depression and anxiety. Call me insecure. I think i really am. Walking around my class i'm always insecure. What do people really think of me? Why do they chose not to invite me? After a while of not thinking about all this I think i've finally collapsed into a big dark black hole. My mind wandering free; unable to anchor itself on anywhere but onto pain. Oh gosh it sounds like a really self-centered post again but i just really need to speak my heart out. This blog almost seems like an FML blog. Nobody really reads it anyway so it's like a safe haven to me.
Breaking it all down into parts, i've never done anything really good for my classmates and i've only just realised this. Maybe that's why I'm not close to even one of them. I thought i was close to a few but i find myself drifting really far away. This is all my fault anyway. After all i've said and done nobody can really forget about the fact that Adnaan is opinionated and anal and whatever. Its hard for that to be abolished so maybe that's why it's not easy for me to be around them. They've all already formulated opinions about me that i can't change and it's all my fault. Curse my existence. Its such a pain to talk about all this but it's even more painful to keep it all inside.
And now to the biggest apology i can ever give. I want to apologise to HIM for making him emo all the time when all he's tried to do is help and cheer me up and keep my spirits up. All ive done is to shoot him down so quickly until he himself finds himself surrounded by a dark abyss. What kind of friend am I? Maybe its because i always thought of him as my best friend? But only recently did I realise that i don't think that's really true. All the time we've spent together just seems like a distant memory and in time we'll both forget. He say's he will be sad but i know after a while he'll forget and my very existence would have proved to be meaningless. But whatever it is. All i can say is THANK YOU SO MUCH. For all the time's we've spent, for all the happiness youve brought me. AND IM SO SORRY for all the sadness i've caused you and all the pain that still resides. I hope you can forget all of that, I really do. I keep telling you not to emo but all i do is make u more emo. How pathetic is that right?
I guess there really is nobody who can replace Her. How i wish she was here now how i wish she didnt have to go how i wish i had someone to rely on. Someone who i could lean on. Just for one more time before I go. How utterly and pathetically disgusting...
I really am good for nothing. Only know how to make people upset and depressed never making anyone smile. Ultimate depression. My existence up till now has been pointless leaving no impact on anyone. How depressing is that.. seriously. Wow suprisingly blogging isnt helping so im going to stop now.
