Haven't blogged in a while so I decided to finally blog after more than one month. Been too busy with life's trials and tribulations so much so that I think I've lost myself amidst all the calamity and chaos of teenage life. Though we our teenager years are supposed to be our most prized and fun years, I find myself trapped in an illusion, unable to free myself as my juxtapose roams free in the world filled with surreptitious acts that we fail to see. Is it all just an illusion? Or for just once, just this once, is it real...
Our lives are simple yet we make it sound so complicated and filled with problems and hurdle's that we are unable to overcome; we stumble upon ourselves and try to get back up but each and every time, it get's harder and harder to breathe. It just seems so difficult for me to accept that "What happens, happens". The question is, is that really true? If it is, do we just sit behind and stay silent, closing our eyes and pretending it's just not there. Is there no benignant qualities within me that is capable of demolishing this feeling.
I think I'm just confused, ever since then... Nobody has been able to replace her and i don't think anyone ever will. Each time i get that feeling that I had with her, be it with a guy or a girl, it's only a matter of time before I realize that it was only a passing fab. At this age, everyone has someone like her already... Everyone but me. I've lost myself throughout all these years and only now have I truly come to understand the reason why... I've been insecure since she left.. All I have to remember her by is that little brown object in the corner of my decadent room. As my eyes scamper about my room, only tears drip down my face. Is it so hard to ask for someone out there to just be honest, true and with me. I just wish for once in my life, there will be someone that is dear to me. It's just so hard to recreate the feeling given that everyone is already so far on. How i wish she would come back, but i guess she's just waiting for me up there... and i may very well join her soon. Finally there will be someone for me to rely on all the way. I thought there was one person who could make me feel that way again but i was wrong because he's already far ahead. All i do is fall far behind everyone else, drowned in this pit of sorrow and despair, unable to climb out without suffocating first. Best friends, close friends? Just a dream to me. All I can do is hope she's just watching over me i guess. Hopefully. Another burst of my insecurity. Though I may seem like the type of person who just goes with the flow and is ok with anything, I'm human to, how i crave and wish for that feeling again. It was okay for me to watch her talking with other people because I knew she would tell me about it and never leave me in the shadows. She really was my best, closest and sometimes only real true friend. There was someone but now i think he's gone away.
(Wishing for a it to come back again. Lavu)
